Friday, March 18, 2011

Lord have Mercy

Lord have Mercy. I hear myself say that, out loud, more than five times each day. Really. Honestly.

A3 is eleven weeks old this week. Today, I still feel a little bit of a headache that started when she was three weeks old. Today feels like another day to get through. It has been a rough two and a half months - glorious and tumultuous all at the same time. Adjusting to this new life with three small children and way too little time and funds has served up some new experiences. There have been times when I just wanted to hide under the covers and slip away - and I am not one to turn tail on anything.

Whining is something that annoys the hell out of me, and I feel like that is what I am doing a lot of lately. On the other hand, I have needed help in ways I have never needed before. There have been times over the last two and a half months, when I literally could not lift a hand to help take care of my family. And I am not used to helplessness. And it is frustrating. But, all this has made me really think about things - cause I've had the time to just swirl thoughts around in my head, you know, with all the laying around. I have accepted, I think, that life in general is too complicated. There is just too much crap that we are bombarded with Each and Every day. We are overloaded. I am overloaded. But it isn't keeping up with the responsibilities in my life that is overloading me; it is keeping up with the Joneses (no offense to anyone with the name Jones) that runs us ragged. My children are little: why do I feel the need to take them to, say, Disney World? They won't remember it. They probably wouldn't like it that much with all the walking and heat and standing in lines. But I feel guilty about not taking them because so many others do and are able to take their children. This is just one of a zillion examples of how I beat myself down because I'm not doing what everyone else is. Really? That many of us can afford the newest IPad/phone/pod/POS? No, but we need one because it's the bellringer of the moment. It makes us feel happy until the newest Iwhatchamacallit comes out. I'm ranting.

Seriously, I'm exhausted from trying to do all the things a mom is "supposed" to do these days. It is a load of crap, and I am showered with it everyday - on tv, email, and magazines. "This (add whatever the latest item/activity is) is what good Moms do." WhatEVER. I only have to be a nurturing, responsible parent to my children and a loyal, loving spouse to my, well, spouse. That's all. I want to enjoy the time I have while my family is mine. I don't want to worry so much about the laundry or the spots on the floor. I want to be okay with some mess. I am renouncing the guilt that comes with a messy house and cereal for dinner. I don't have the freakin' time for the guilt. I don't want today to be just another day to get through. Time is precious. Time is fleeting. I know. I blinked.

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