Lord have Mercy

Lord have Mercy. I hear myself say that, out loud, more than five times each day. Really. Honestly.

A3 is eleven weeks old this week. Today, I still feel a little bit of a headache that started when she was three weeks old. Today feels like another day to get through. It has been a rough two and a half months - glorious and tumultuous all at the same time. Adjusting to this new life with three small children and way too little time and funds has served up some new experiences. There have been times when I just wanted to hide under the covers and slip away - and I am not one to turn tail on anything.

Whining is something that annoys the hell out of me, and I feel like that is what I am doing a lot of lately. On the other hand, I have needed help in ways I have never needed before. There have been times over the last two and a half months, when I literally could not lift a hand to help take care of my family. And I am not used to helplessness. And it is frustrating. But, all this has made me really think about things - cause I've had the time to just swirl thoughts around in my head, you know, with all the laying around. I have accepted, I think, that life in general is too complicated. There is just too much crap that we are bombarded with Each and Every day. We are overloaded. I am overloaded. But it isn't keeping up with the responsibilities in my life that is overloading me; it is keeping up with the Joneses (no offense to anyone with the name Jones) that runs us ragged. My children are little: why do I feel the need to take them to, say, Disney World? They won't remember it. They probably wouldn't like it that much with all the walking and heat and standing in lines. But I feel guilty about not taking them because so many others do and are able to take their children. This is just one of a zillion examples of how I beat myself down because I'm not doing what everyone else is. Really? That many of us can afford the newest IPad/phone/pod/POS? No, but we need one because it's the bellringer of the moment. It makes us feel happy until the newest Iwhatchamacallit comes out. I'm ranting.

Seriously, I'm exhausted from trying to do all the things a mom is "supposed" to do these days. It is a load of crap, and I am showered with it everyday - on tv, email, and magazines. "This (add whatever the latest item/activity is) is what good Moms do." WhatEVER. I only have to be a nurturing, responsible parent to my children and a loyal, loving spouse to my, well, spouse. That's all. I want to enjoy the time I have while my family is mine. I don't want to worry so much about the laundry or the spots on the floor. I want to be okay with some mess. I am renouncing the guilt that comes with a messy house and cereal for dinner. I don't have the freakin' time for the guilt. I don't want today to be just another day to get through. Time is precious. Time is fleeting. I know. I blinked.

Being married is better than being single. It's true.

The other morning, while he was in the shower and I was brushing my teeth, I asked my husband if he felt there were any topics I should not blog about. Like most, I have people in my life who view things differently than I do and will probably be offended in some way by something I write - assuming anyone reads these brain farts (wait, that is a bad word) - poots, brain poots. Anyway, he thought for a moment and said something along the lines of, "A part of me wants to say yes, but, No, you should write about everything. Good writing doesn't reflect political correctness." Or something like that. I then told him that writing about having, um, Relations, with him gets his big sister all flustered, and we laughed about what she would do if I wrote a whole post about that. Don't worry Big Sis, I won't do that to you. At least not for a while. :)




I hope he meant what he said.




In the news lately, and by news I mean People.com, USmagazine.com, and OKmagazine.com - you know, the Really Important news - there has been report after report of our beloved celebrities divorcing. C'mon, tell me you didn't let out a tear, an "Oh no, Really," or at least an exasperated sign when you learned that Courtney and David were breaking up! You know you did. As one report after another rolls in - Christina and her what's-his-name dj/producer man, Eva and Tony, Sandra and Jessie-the-POS, and I am still miffed about John and Kate (sorry, I am) - I can't help but think about my own marriage. Aware, I am, that Husband and I are not celebrities and so we aren't burdened with money, fans, cameras, and all that pressure to be thin, but we are married. So, in at least one way, I actually am like Sara Jessica Parker - we both have a husband. At some level all married people get married for similar reasons. I hope that at the basis of most of them is love. And that I do know about.




Which brings me to my point that being married is better than being single. But, only if you are for real about it. A marriage jammed up with manipulation and hiding-froms, isn't a marriage. It's hell. But I am not a counselor or an expert of any kind, so I am not tryin' to get on a slippery, half-crushed soap box here. I'm just sayin', being married is better than being single. Not all marriages are the same. Some suck. Some should have never been. Some started out for real and the partners lost their way. True Marriage rocks. Having a husband rocks. Even when it is hard. But if you're thick-headed, marriage is hard! Don't get into it thinking that the after-the-wedding is one long ride into the sunset. The sun eventually sets on the fairytale and Real life sets in. So, like a job, or a hobby, you gotta work on it. Everyday. And not be afraid to admit that you're an f-ing moron sometimes and that you are Wrong A Lot of the time. And girls, you can't expect to have the dream marriage if you have a "headache" every time he tries to baby you. You promised to have and to hold, didn't you... Wait, I think I almost have a foot On the soapbox, so I'll move on.



I love being married. Even though lately, we've been sort of swimming, trudging, trucking, and limping through some trying times. We have been idiots. We did what we know we should Never do. We have been taking life's pot holes and piles of manure out on each other rather than relying on each other for the support to make it over and out of them. And it has been rough. Rougher than I think we have ever been through. Then again, I am eight months pregnant and very tired and have a very short emotional fuse. But he has always been my support system and since the problems have been with him, I haven't been able to use him as my sounding board, and our bellicose behavior has left us feeling adrift. But even through this, the thought of leaving seems absurd to me. Not only would that leave me single with a four year old, a two year old, and a newborn (which in turn would have me headin' straight for the nut house), and leave my children without their daddy-idol, it would leave me without my anchor. Now, don't get me wrong, even God makes exceptions for divorce. You can't cheat or abuse each other or the deal's off. But it seems that so many people just throw their hands up and abandon ship because the water gets a little choppy. Even if you need binoculars to see that the other side is out there, you gotta believe that it is out there. When you're broke and everything's a mess, you gotta try to see the goodness in what you have. That's what I keep telling myself.


We have been together since we were children. We became adults as a couple. And sometimes, I look at him and wonder if we are growing up together in the same direction - if that makes sense. Then I punch myself in the face and remember that I have to keep learning about him. Keep asking questions and courting him so I can learn about this man that he is turning into. The one with white hair on the sides of his head and in his beard. I'm smiling now as I think about how strange it is to see my man, my still-16-year-old boyfriend, with some white hair coming in. The craziest part is that I like it. It is charming and sophisticated. And I love him.




Now, just for fun, here is why I like being married and why my husband Rocks. No cliches here, just the truth about the man I love.



1. I never need an electric blanket. He radiates body heat of about 7,000 degrees.



2. I don't have to carry in the groceries.



3. He doesn't really care if I didn't shave - as long as my leg hair isn't longer than his.



4. He loves to hear me laugh and looks for things that will make me laugh.



5. He tells me I look cute, not always just pretty.



6. He tells me I don't smell good when I don't.



7. He says, "Tell me what I can do for you, Babe."



8. I get a giggle when he wanders around - and he does all the time, just wanders around.



9. He DVRs things he thinks I'd like to see.



10. He loves holidays.



11. He is cool with "Let's just have cereal tonight" dinners.



12. He loves our sisters' and brothers' children like they are our own.



13. He cries when he sees something tender in what our daughters are doing.



14. He likes to get grown up haircuts.





15. My cooking is not good; his is great.





16. Sometimes, just cause he knows I like it, he will start the hot water in the shower so it is warmed up by the time I'm ready to get in.





17. I don't have to hold any one's hand at the movie theater, and I get to hold the popcorn. He understands and doesn't get offended.





18. I get told that I am smart at least once a week.





19. He takes my advice about what he should wear.





20. He rubs some part of my body nearly Every time he walks by (get those dirty thoughts out of your head - he often doesn't even realize he is doing it).





21. Relaxing after work doesn't have to include a bar and work friends.





22. He Loves his Mama! That love he has for her, transfers to me and his girls.





23. My husband wants to be a better man, knows enough to actually, like, work on it. He doesn't have to be told to grow up.

There is so much more, but this is getting lengthy, and I have a meeting to get to.

Toodles.

Oh, Baby!

Well, today is the last day of November, and a full SEVEN months after I wrote the first entry. My first thought was, "Who the hell is gonna read this stuff?" My second thought was, "Who the hell is gonna read this stuff?" My third thought was, "Wow you really need to proofread better before you post stuff for the world and God to read". My fourth thought was, "Silly, God doesn't read blogs!"
We are pregnant again. Yep. Again. Yes, that means that for a little less than one month I will have a three year old, a one year old, and a newborn. And, it is another little girl. We are some baby girl making machines. There are three people to blame: 1. My husband 'cause he is hot which means that even though we already have full time jobs and two energy sucking little bug-a-boos I still like to make time for... ahem, Him. 2. The Birth Control (wont mention names here) company because not only do they apparently produce a birth control that results in class action lawsuits for causing some health problems, they produce a birth control that is less than reliable. Yes, I was on BC (um, did I mention the ages of my children?). No, I was not on antibiotics. No, I did not miss a day. I took them each night, at the same time like a good girl. Yes, I realize the birth control making company isn't technically a person, but it is made up of people so that is good enough. 3. God. And if God wants her to be in this world then I guess neither my husband, the bc company, nor I could stop it. And that is also good enough. I realize that, like the bc company, God is also not a person, but is sort of person-like. Again, good enough.
What this means is life at the Bayne household is about to get Real interesting. More of everything. More laundry (which, if you know me, you know how much I LOVE laundry). More little socks and little shoes that seem to wind up in the most ridiculous of places. More diapers - oh my. More bottles and bags of breast milk. More passys. More baths. More coffee (due to the less sleep). More debates about vaccinations and my beloved Babywise. More kisses. More firsts. More giggles. More hugs. More memories. All for the last time. Yes, I think this is our last baby. But, then again... never say no more.
This pregnancy has been different. A1 was Brand New. The first of everything and so exciting. Husband was at nearly all the doctor's appointments, and the nursery was completed a full three months before she arrived. I marveled at every moment and wasn't terribly upset when the first little reddish-silverish line appeared on my belly. A1 taught me how to be a Mommy.
A2 was the most awesome pregnancy of all. She was sort of planned. We'd been through it so the unknown wasn't so scary. A1 taught us how to be parents, so we weren't nervous about that. Husband was at most of the doctor's appointments. She was sort of calm, and I felt connected to her right away. We weren't doing any other major life changing - like moving or switching jobs. She just sort of floated her way into our lives and into a beautiful nursery that I loved! A2 taught me how to appreciate being a Mommy.
A3 (yep, another A name) has been the most stressful - not because of her at all, but because of life and they way it has gone while she has been growing. We moved, we started new jobs, the girls started daycare, money has gotten Tight, and I am feeling Old since turning 30. We've had the stomach flu a few times, and my older girls are cRaZy at this age. Husband has only been to a few doctor's appointments. I feel guilty and like I haven't given her the serenity that the other two had. She has been good to me though. No puking. No major, over the top exhaustion. No high blood pressure or over-swelling. Just slight galloping around as if she is saying, "Hey Mommy, don't forget about me in here." But she is due in six weeks and we barely have cleaned out a space for her.
All this makes me wonder how I keep three girls, all so close in age, from becoming sort of one girl blob. How do we form a cohesive family while spotlighting each one's glory and uniqueness? How do we love each one thoroughly so that no one feels like the others are more special? How do I, the Mommy, not lose myself in the process of molding three women?
Ah, the ponderance of life's toughest questions. Where are all the little old ladies to give this wonderful advice? Stuck in nursing homes? Maybe that is where I should go to find the answers. The words of John Mayer's "Daughter" (not really sure of the Real title) song keeps dancing around my boggled brain. I wonder if I can find a daughters play list on Pandora that will make me cry the whole way home. At least it might make me appreciate an evening spent with a bouncing belly, a clumsy, blue-eyed beauty, and a gloriously spunky preschooler a little more, especially since the Hubby is working late.

Now, off to try to beat the traffic outta downtown. Toodles.

Getting Started - Pre Move

First, I have to say that this whole blogging thing still seems a bit strange. Second, choosing a format was much more intimidating than I imagined. Anyway, I've been thinking about starting to blog for a while now. Well, let's be honest from the getgo here, shall we. I love Celia Rivenbark - she is sort of my Southern Cross, and I'd very much like to be her when I grow up. So, since I don't plan to have a humor column in the future, here is my nod to Celia, "Hey, Gurl!" Okay, enough.

I am, at the moment, a wife, a mommy, and an English teacher (que visions of hair buns, and high-wasted skirts made of terrible material). I am in that period of life where I just want to stay home with my little girls and be a caregiver for my family. Teaching is rewarding in so many ways, but it tends to drain all the thoughts and patience and giving out of you to the point where it is a struggle to find some left for my awesome husband and girls. It is a challenge. Like life.

I called this blog Baynes in motion because that is us. We are at the brink of a new journey. My husband and I have been in love (for the most part) for twelve years. We moved away from our sleepy little town in 2000 to take on life. We moved to the beach and fell in love with the lifestyle that living at the beach brings. Fastforward ten years and we are making plans to move back to the not-so-sleepy-anymore town (or area at least) that we grew up in. Funny, having kids really does change your priorities - fancy that! I have one husband (I just don't believe in that polyhusband having), and he happens to be the love of my life. Cliches aside, he is it - my bffeaeaeaeaeaeae! Did I forget to mention he is Awesome? With this man, I have two sensational daughters. I know I am biased, but they are magnificent little humans. One is three, the other is 1 and both are eat up with cuteness. One of my moms (no, not the way you're thinking) used to say, "So and So fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down!" Well these little curly head cuties fell out of an Awesome tree and hit every branch on the way down. But, like I said, I am biased.

So, we are moving. He is leaving his job, and I am leaving mine. No, neither one of us has a job yet. No, we can't sell our house since it has lost 50K in value. Silly, WHO can sell houses these days? We are renting it. I am waiting for Big Daddy to start dealing out student loan bailouts (can a teacher get a break, PULeeze?!).

We are just trusting that what is supposed to happen will. Call it God; call it fate. I call it Hope. I call it where there is a will there is a way. I call it God helps those who help themselves. "Hey, God, I'm helping myself the best I can down here! Ball's in your court now, Sir."

We're in motion. We're all in motion. That's what I'll write about - Our lives in motion. What's gonna happen? I haven't a clue. I believe with every fiber of my being that I'll be alright as long as I have my husband's hand to hold, A1's nuggles, and A2's sweet smile. My three As (they all have names that start with A). That's home. That's all I need to survive. Thank you, God, for my three As, But, ps, a house and a few jobs would be nice too! :)

Good night, y'all! Good night, God! Speak to ya after I'm settled and ready to start this thing.